Hello, everyone. With everything that’s going on in the world (especially where I am in the US) right now, I thought we could all use a pick me up. Thus, I bring you…whatever the hell this is. I did a four-part review on the kpop institution Super Junior (or SuJu) a few weeks ago, and in so doing I discovered what is quite possibly the worst music video I’ve ever seen. So, of course, I had to react to it, but then I decided, no. It’s so terrible, so incredibly bad, that it deserves its own post. And here we are. Please enjoy the various hilarious (ooh, rhyme!) conversations I had with my mother, my cousin, and a few good friends about it.

(If you’d like to read the full SuJu review, click here)

“I have a bad feeling about this” were my mom’s first words, in true Star Wars nerd fashion, upon seeing the title of Sexy, Free, & Single. And honestly, who can blame her, when the very next words out of her mouth were: “OKAY glasses off we’ll note the amount of S & M things in the first minute, we’ve got nails in the chest, a collar, oh there’s also a giant penis structure in the middle, but moving on”.  

Perhaps the most glaring crime in this music video is the outfits. God, the outfits. We couldn’t decide which was the worst, though Leeteuk’s harness, Eunhyuck’s collar, and Siwon’s mesh cape were all contenders. “Not only is it terrible in so many ways but the poor man clearly works out, we should let him show off his hard work”, Mom said sagely about Leeteuk.

“Okay, so, first of all,” my friend Hannah started, pausing about halfway through. “This is maybe the fifth outfit. It’s interesting, guys, that you had five different chances to come up with an outfit…and…no. Mr. Tangled In A Fishing Net over here,” she continued, talking about Siwon, “I mean, all he really needs is a trident.”

[About Eunhyuck’s…collar?] Me: “It looks like there’s a cabbage around his neck, which maybe he’s into, idk”. My mother believed it was closer to Darth Vader in his death scene; we’ll agree to disagree. My cousin Ella agreed with me, Hannah agreed with my mom, and Diana suggested that it looked more like a Victorian mourning collar, so now we’re in a stalemate.

“Here’s the thing,” Hannah said. “I agree that this people are objectively attractive. The problem is that they dumped gallons upon gallons of eyeliner on these poor men, they look like they all got punched in the face.” Thus began my very long explanation: “There’s a member missing, Heechul, because he was undergoing military service. He’s my favorite, he’s my eye candy, he helped me get through the first ten years of their terrible music videos with his great hair and his giant ass sunglasses. And he’s not even here! 0/10!” Look, do I love music? Yes. But is Heechul’s pretty face and utter nonsense a large reason why I sat through Twins’ fake fire and U’s ten pounds of hair gel? Also yes.

“That guy wearing…chainmail?” Diana demanded, pausing on Shindong’s outfit. “What poor medieval archer did they kidnap for their music video?” (Thus began a two minute conversation about the qualities of proper medieval chainmail because we are, in fact, really cool, guys).

“So, look, I used to make really bad music videos out of only the clips you could find on stock video sites, and that must be where they got these random rotating hexagons that keep appearing”, Hannah said with a laugh. “They send some poor intern named Eunji to scour the internet and she’s like, ‘Sir! I’ve got it! I figured out how to make the video four minutes long!!’” I texted my cousin Ella later. “She doesn’t get paid enough, poor girl,” she replied, wiping away a fake tear.

But none of that could beat the absolute insanity that are the actual lyrics. “Did…did they just say ‘sexy free and single, ready to finger??’” my mom asked, to which I replied, “What? No, of course not, it’s probably sexy free and single, ready to mingle, I’ll google it.” So, she came back from getting a glass of water to see me fucking dying on the couch, and went, “What? How bad could it be?”

Well, I’ll show you:

“Sexy free and single, ready too, bingo, with who? My grandma? That’s who the 82 million views are from, all the grandmas”, my mother wheezed through her laughter. The best quote of all might have to go to Diana, who, upon hearing my explanation of the phrase “Sexy, free, and single, I’m ready to bingo,” asked, “Do you think the old women dance to this in the club just like, YEAH BUST IT DOWN ETHEL”, which left us cackling so hard that our ribs hurt.

I do have to say that, despite all of this nonsense, my mother and I were won over by Yesung’s high note. Why is he so despondent and deadly serious when saying “party time”? We’ll never know, but we’re proud of him anyway. That’s our boy, so here we are. “He’s really upset about it being party time, guys, is he getting divorced at the party??” Ella asked.

Anyway.

I wish I could give a better review of the song, but I genuinely couldn’t focus. I’m sorry.

If you’ve made it to the end of this, thank you for coming on this journey with me! Special thanks to, as always, my lovely mother, and my friends Hannah, Diana, and Ella, who definitely had better things to do with their day, but I’m very glad they spent it with me. Love you guys!!

Next time, we’re back to our regularly scheduled programming. Tschüss!!